Get some self-esteem. You fool. And value what's in front of you, not just what's in your head.

Today was a shitty day. You know, the kind of day when everything seems like that little bit too much.

It'd had a bit of a lead-up. A few days ago, I was completely in my head, unable to concentrate.

The day before last, I'd followed this massive story in my head - I'd thought of everything, how I was going to present it in comic format, what would happen, who the characters were, et cetera - only to wake up and think... "I don't feel like drawing this anymore." Then "Aw, shit, I forgot to study..."

Today, I had to come to school for the sake of performing Drama on our school's International Day. It didn't go fantastic. I was tired. Pissed all hell at Jess for pushing us so hard (though I can't blame her so much) - I was thinking of everything we had to do. Rationally, I'd think, "Okay, Sophie, suck it up. We've gotta do this." No. I was fed up. At myself, Jess, my Drama teacher, everything. Eventually, after my performance and hanging around the school premises, I left. I walked all the way up George St from school.

The whole time, I was thinking of internal scenarios. Like "I'm going to run away. I'll grow up a little, come back years later, and handle life in Sydney better." or "If I go home, I'm going to hurt myself. Physically. I don't care how." or "Maybe if I do something drastic, everything will change - and it'll eventually be for the better."

Routine walking eventually led me to Kinokuniya, and then the bus back home. Funny how the mind operates.

Walking back through my suburb was probably the highlight of my day. It was windy. Good wind, enough to get you thrilled, and not cold enough to keep you chilled. *SHOT* Leaves were flying everywhere, it was pretty cool.

When I looked up in the sky, it was all completely grey.

Except one patch of blue sky.

I looked all over the place, but there was no other kind of disturbance in the grey. The blue patch was right above me, on top of that. Seemed too picturesque. It was the highlight of my day, anyway.

... And now I'm home.

I'm thinking I'll give studying the slip, tonight. The least I could do is finish one of my essays. It'd give me peace of mind.

... And the light is yellow, outside. There's no sunset in sight...

... It's just all yellow.

So, my mood's, like, really improved since I went back to school. Ain't all water under the bridge, but I'm getting there.

No, I don't like the work, very much. Everything still makes me stressed - and this time of year's going to be insane. It's just... I have structure. I have people around me, to talk to. These past couple of days have just reminded me how great it is to have people around - so I'm not left stewing alone in my thoughts - and just getting an idea of the world around me... just talking to my friends, having an anchor in reality, instead of the downward spiral I was stuck in a few days back.

Hey, I love my alone time. But I think I need to work up a balance. A person like me can't stay alone with her thoughts for too long - I go out of 'awesome imagination' mode and into 'extreme paranoia' mode if I stay still and have no structure, nor anyone to talk to. I live like that for a couple weeks, and - yeah. I wind up pretty messed up.

So - resolution! I'm totally going out more. With friends, if possible.

IN OTHER NEWS - My animation's been greenlighted by my teacher. I called it "Pebble Burst." Sounds like a catchy little game name. It might be misleading at first, but once you see the animation and its concept, it'll make more sense. Not that I can show anyone, right now - if I stick it up on the 'net, right now, markers will go - "Hm. Alex Misemono has the exact same piece and concept as Sophie *BLEEEP*! He must be the victim of DUPLICATION! Give Miss *BLEEEP* a zero!"

Bathe in my wit.

(I gots essays to rewrite - I'm like scraping together work I did half a year ago. It's frightening. DX )

I hope. It better be, I replaced study time for animation time all these holidays. D:

In other news, if you haven't seen this here animation, ( http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/499466 ) you deserve to been thrown up into the sky and back.

Schoolstartstomorrowomgimnotreadywtf...

... The start of the final freaking term of school.

Where did all this time go? Do I actually hafta be responsible? :o

This is going to be crazy... Real crazy...

So I'm writing like mad, and I wind up churning out a section which I thought could have had potential... but at the same time, I feel like it might be stretching things out, too far. In any case, small phrases from this excerpt will still be around... but I don't think it's altogether necessary. Unless anyone else thinks so...

( Tell me what you think... )

Stuff's been happenin'. Yes it has. Mm-hm. ^^

I've finally managed to get a hold of myself and finish up a few assessment tasks. (I screwed up on my English speech, though. >.< I forgot we were supposed to bring in two texts. Guh.) So, it feels better, now... I'm not done with all my work yet, but it's getting well on its way. I'm so frickin' relieved...

Oh, yeah! Art's Fest is coming up, next week! It'll be a day where the whole of high school is off class, for the sake of artsy stuff! It's the best day of the year! ^^ (I couldn't contribute a thing, because of my current status, but still...) It's basically a competition between all four of our school houses - all representing yellow, red, blue and green. (I'm in the yellow house.)

Speaking of our school houses, we have notice boards for all four houses situated outside our library (Usually displaying house events, promotion, all that jazz). And I take the competition quite seriously, due to the fact that the red house has won every single Art's Fest since it first came into existence. And I grow frustrated by the day that our house has never really beaten theirs. >.< Anyhow, I was walking past the notice boards, off to the library.

And stopped.

And stepped back, a few paces.

Knuckles the Echidna had been posted up on the red house's noticeboard, saying "[inserthousenamehere] ROCKS!"

I was shattered. I was just shattered. My God, Knuckles. How could you!? How could you side with the ENEMY!?

Yes, I am totally rambling, right now... Ignore my gripes, dudes. Ignore. XD

On Friday afternoon, I saw an old friend of mine after about six months. (Ella, though she prefers "Catty.") That's a long time, actually - I recall that she and I were close friends for a long time, until she got really outgoing. Personally, I'm naturally a passive person, so I often just listened to her. XD I guess I was a tad like a journal to her. Anyway, we both had issues after a while, and I considered her too much of a handful to be around. (Even though she's truly a nice person at heart) Anyhow, she left the school, and I didn't see her until last night.

After my English Extension class, I met up with Steph, Ella, Adrienne and Mai. (Steph is from my year, and Adrienne's from my brother's year. Mai, I've never met before. XD) We headed off to the city to eat dinner... though I should say that we spent about an hour and a half running around Sydney to find a place to eat at. XD It was loads of fun, though - I hardly go out in the city at that time. We were just chattin', chilling, having fun, catching up... It had been a long time since I'd done something like that... It felt brilliant. ^^

Finding a place to eat at was a pain, though. On one occasion, we literally wound up squeezing our group into a dodgy little elevator, which led up to another little restaurant (which was also full and booked out. XD) - it was like a scene from a movie. (What made it all the more perfect was that Adrienne pulled out her phone and started playing the "Fooling Mode" theme from Naruto. XD It fit perfectly! Just the awkwardness of it all. XDD)

Anyhow, we finally made it to a place in Chinatown which sold dumplings. Loads of dumplings. Very tasty - pork, pork with cabbage, prawn, lamb, vegetarian, and even broccoli with garlic sauce, which was pretty darn tasty. ^^

After that, we helped direct Steph to her pickup point, then the rest of us went off to get dessert. I got pretty sick afterwards from eating too much, though. We went to a food court, and sat and chatted, until I called my Mom to get me. Then we chatted some more...

... and, I got in trouble for not specifying the pick-up point with Mom. ^^;;;

We talked in the car, and settled things after a bit. It surprises me that later she admitted she was concerned about making a scene in front of Ella. XDD Ah, Mom. I love you. ^^

So, yeah. Fantastic night. :D

I just finished the first chapter for the fanwork exchange over at the Professor Layton community, and am writing the next one, now. ^^ I've got the whole thing done in my head - pretty short, but I hope everyone at least enjoys it. :)

Anyhow, I've been going on for too long...

Left hand hurts. XD

I saw my psychiatrist today - and I'm happy to report that medication isn't necessary as of yet. After my arm heals, it's a matter of keeping up exercise. (And not tripping over.) In other terms, I can take fish oil - that's supposed to help my mood a little.

What's up? I'm a tad stressed, mostly because I know I've got some catching-up to do, and I'm a natural procrastinator at the same time. Still... Judging by a little pick-me-up from my friends and family, I know I can do this if I try to.

(Shakes head) Come on, motivation... >.<

Anyhow, the fanart/fanfic exchange in the Professor Layton community has gone ahead. My fanfic prompt kinda bewildered me at first... but then I got an idea. And more followed.

So now I've got a 10k word fanfic on my mind. Considering my fanfic chapters are usually 5k words long, this is actually pretty short, coming from me. I'm writing it, now, and some of it's actually in the 'Humor' genre, which I'm not used to writing in, but it's fun, so far. But yeah, you know me. (Or not.) I can be a pretty dramatic writer.

( So, intro's pretty dramatic, too. )

Ho un esame Italiano, per domani. In bocca al lupo, e merte. (Don't repeat that out loud. ^^; )

In other news, I finally got my ears pierced. Two on the right lobe, and one on the left. It did hurt, actually, but it wasn't that bad. Like a vaccination, almost.

... I want my elbow to heal. SO bad... D:

It's awesome when you start laughing again. ^^ Still a bit heavy on the chest, but nonetheless, I think I'm getting there.

School, I'm slowwwwlllyyy catching up on. All my subjects have issued assessments, and it's gonna be difficult to keep up. But I've managed to get into two pretty deeply - English being one. We've gotta illustrate a poem by T.S. Eliot. (Yes, I did spell that right.) I decided to draw it out - and that's when I found out that I can draw with my left hand. Messily, but pretty well. And in a different style. Almost a bit sinister-looking, though. Probably reflected my mood at the time, but still... I found it pretty interesting.

Aaand, I drew a Professor (Teenage!)Layton lookalike in the picture. With longer hair. And looking distant. I imagine him reciting angsty soliloquies from Hamlet... :D Oh, God, listen to me...

But, yeah, speaking of Professor Layton, I'm considering a comic. I'm writing the script as I type. My curiosity for Teenage!Layton is being pushed to its peak - and I have an idea for it. *Hushes up*

But amongst these, do I have anything original in the works?

Why, yes. Yes I do.

But I want my right arm back before I continue it, to be completely honest. It's going to be a project that I believe is going to be big. Who knows... It may not receive well - But I wanna put in a lot of effort. And do my best for it. And I'll know some of the characters better than I've known any others.

I guess that's why I'm looking forward to it so much... but at the same time, I definitely want others to connect with these characters. It'd be pretty selfish for me to keep them to myself, right? ;) So, once I'm ready, look out for it.

In other news, I'm finally gonna get my ears pierced. Yes, I'm sixteen and have never poked a hole through my earlobes. The impossible does happen. I might even get a haircut, too. My Mom's been developing these maniacal eyes, lately. Probably because she's getting a chance to make me girly and stuff. Oh, boy...

I'll keep writing. This place really helps...

(Professor Layton exchange starts soon! ^^ )

PS: Oh, yeah! I got a blast from the past - *SHOT* - Does anybody remember Toonami on Cartoon Network? I always loved the music that played in the ads - especially for CardCaptor Sakura. (I'm starting to read Tsubasa Chronicle, by the way) Well, I found the music for that ad. It's not as great as I remember, but it gave me some nostalgia. Eerie, mystic-sounding, creepy nostalgia. XD

Oh my... Well, I've been better, but I've also been worse, I suppose. (My friends were there for me, today. For that, I am very, very grateful. Thanks, guys. ^^)

(Shakes head) I saw my psychiatrist, today, and we've managed to sort out a few things. I'm still as flat as ever, but I think I'm getting there. In other words, disregard that last post. (Though I'm keeping that as a reminder of how low I felt...)

Guh... School-wise, I think I'm falling behind - but I think I can make it. It's going to take a while, though... I mean, I still think I'm in the neck of the woods, but I'm getting somewhere, you know? I'm not making sense, am I? Nope, I'm not...

I guess I should just take it easy.

Well, recently, I got an idea about a fanfic. I'm wondering what a Teenage!Layton would be like...? (I've seen Kid!Layton and Baby!Layton... but not Teenage!Layton. But if I write it, I'd also like some knowledge about his mentor. And if I dug up knowledge now, I'd be spoilered, somewhat. I did see a clip of him, though. He called his student "Layton-kun." XD Makes me want to find out more of their background... Uuuaahhh... D: *Wants canon.* Anyway...) I'd like to make him somewhat reckless, to be honest. (My other fanfic gives a glimpse of this.)

As for G E N E S I S, my Sonic fanfic, I still don't know when that'll be updated. I'm keeping myself off Deviantart until my arm heals... The fandom itself has been a headache, lately. Everyone bickers about the smallest things... I suppose I got tired of it. Sonic's somewhere with Kingdom Hearts and Legend of Zelda, now - preferrable, but not hailed. Layton's snagged the spotlight right now. And the fandom is brilliant... just... wow. XD

I'm blabbering, now... I guess I just gotta pace myself for the next few days. *Breathes deeply* C'mon...

I can do this...

Okay... I guess it's safe to say that I've fallen into a rut - or a "trench," as some may phrase. Nothing really new... but I loathe it when this happens...

It's probably a good time to say that I'm a sufferer of anxiety and depression. Right now, I'm in the latter - and it's gotten to the point where I can't even really cry about it. Believe me when I say I'd love to cry... It would feel awesome if I could... but I can't, really. In the meantime, my body takes it physically... I feel pretty sick in the stomach, right now. I can't run around and exercise with a fractured elbow, I can't draw with my right arm...

And at the same time, it's getting difficult to talk to my friends at school. It's always like I'm putting up a wall, when I feel like I need 'em the most. I don't want to be dependent, or become a hindrance to them, but I have the most difficult time turning to people for help. I know, deep down, that it's the right thing to do, but... I don't know. It's like I'm in a cycle of breaking down completely, once every 2-3 months. The same process occurs, I'm whisked to the councillor, or a friend of mine, we talk, I settle down, go back to class... I'm tired of it.

I guess I feel like everything I say is rather unresolved. I blubber too much when I'm crying to really get out what I want to say. And when I manage to actually speak, I don't actually get out what I want, in words.

...I guess that's one of the reasons why I decided to start up this journal. Not for angsting in, necessarily - believe me when I say that. But just saying what I really feel, as I'm not exactly a very talkative person in real life.

I'll say something that's been bothering me for a while - social life.

Now, please don't get me wrong. I do have friends. True friends, and everyday friends, to be exact. I've been in the same school all my life - I'm in 11th Grade, at the moment. And... well, for the entire time I've been there...

Ostracized isn't the right word. That's way too assuming of me. But I kinda feel like there's this wall. I built a wall a while ago, or it just built itself during the years. I wasn't a very sociable kid - kinda shy, never really talking to anybody. Instead of playing, I'd go off and walk around on my own. I didn't really share any interests with anybody - girls liked Delta Goodrem and Girlfriend Magazine, I preferred Pokemon and drilling at my Game Boy.

And, well... I do prefer my own company a lot of the time... but at the same time, I get lonely. So, I sometimes sought out the company of others, but never really spoke. I didn't really know how... just that I wanted to get to know them, somewhat. If they wanted to let me, that is. Problem? I didn't ask that. I just kinda hovered around the group, not saying anything and automatically deflecting any questions directed at me.

So, that wall just kept getting bigger, and I just kept getting lonelier - right up until a few people met me and smashed it down. These people are now my closest friends, and I've known them ever since. But the vast majority of our grade... I suppose they don't know exactly what to think of me.

And I don't know what to think of them.

When one of these guys talks to me, believe me when I say that I am so, so happy. I just get the impression that I don't look it. Or my response doesn't really encourage them to keep talking to me. ("It's okay." or "You don't have to." often fly out of my mouth. It's almost impulsive...) I'm always the last one to be placed into a group, if I'm in a class with these people. Selfishly enough, I get pretty irritated when that happens. It's unfair of me to say that, but after having it happen to you for ten years, it gets old very fast.

Still... I guess the worst thing about it is that I feel like I'm asking for more than I should. I already have several friends and people I can talk to, right? But...

...I feel like I'm unnecessary. If I was taken out of the big picture, would anybody notice? Would my friends be distraught, or move on? I've always been there... I've always been there! Was my presence even felt by those guys?

Oh, God, listen to me... I'm sounding like a brat... >_<; I guess I just want someone who'll need me... because I feel like I'm leeching off of some people, and simply "there" for others.

I'm just... I'm sick of being like this... I don't want to 'end it,' - I think that's the easy way out - and I know I'd hurt several people in the process. But I just... don't want to be like this, I guess...

I don't know. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow, and things will be totally different. But I'm seriously considering anti-depressants, now... I've had this since late primary school, and it's been quite a cycle ever since...

So... maybe I'll just ask my psychiatrist about it...

Ignore this post, if you'd like... it's just something I needed to get out. And for those who read it already, my apologies.

Maybe things'll be better tomorrow.

I don't know...

Perhaps the first Professor Layton thing I've done. Hm.

( Possible spoilers for third game. )

This will probably make more sense if you know a few more spoilers about the third game. Personally, it's my theorising, but take it in any way you'd like. ^^;

Well, I made an account on here awhile back... but it kinda got lost. Namely, I forgot the username. And the password. And the email address that accompanied 'em. (Actually, I was too lazy to do the whole nine yards to get 'em back. ^^; )

So, yo. I don't know anybody here, but hopefully that'll change.

What's been goin' on? I've been putting up with a fractured elbow, which prevents me from drawing... I can still type and the like, however, which is kinda enjoyable, as it is. I've also got a sh*tload of work, but I'm hoping that'll pass soon... At least I don't have any exams. o.o

Now... I'm probably pretty sad for doin' this, but I'm hooked on Professor Layton. (That part itself isn't sad, at all) And... because of that... I'm stalkin' it in Japanese sites. Images of the third game, that is. Go Older!Luke. o.o So I've managed to work out how to find info in those sites. I don't know a lick of Japanese, but it's fun pretending. XD

Anyhow, I gotta go... I might join the Layton Community whilst I'm at it... I've been watching it for some time, now, and I'd actually like to contribute something...

I'll see what I can do with my left hand. ^^;